Chrissy's blog

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Let me preface by stating I love myfoxboston and all my wonderful extended family I have made here. I will never abandon you.
However, there is a new love that has walked (or bookmarked) its place in my heart.
The initials it goes by are FB.  Some of you may be well aware of the powers this charmer has. It can be an emotional roller coaster at times.  But still the powers are so strong so evenings I literally need to pry my fingers from the keyboard.  Ok, ok enough with the soap opera. Let me just chat about Facebook for a second. Some think it is harmful; I am here to tell you it has been nothing but a thrill.  Catching up with friends from my childhood, even my 5th grade teachers daughter (that 6th degrees of separation is phenomenal).  I have my family right there at my fingertips, where we can share photos, videos, and stories. I can now see my cousins children so when we are at a family event, I will know the names with the faces. It is a magnificent tool. 

I have laughed so hard I thought I'd pee me pants while reliving some past memories and to see pictures from grammar school appear, simply thrilling. I love that at a keystroke, I can be in touch with friends across the country, or the world for that matter. No more wondering 'whatever happened to so-and-so.'  It has been a lot of fun.

My addiction to myfoxboston, will keep me coming here....providing I don't end up with carpel tunnel ( not making light of this ) , oh and of course I do need to tend to my family...but this is my entertainment in lieu of TV time....so I'll be around.  If you have not checked out FB, try it. It is fun.

Festivus  2009


For those that do not want to partake in the Festivus tradition,  do not read any further.
For those that dare, below is my "airing of grievances."

Let the festivities begin.....and after I air mine feel free to add your own.

So I begin.

I paid fortunes for gas this past spring and summer.  Now I pay fortunes for everything else, however gas is cheaper.
We made it through another election happy or sad, change is supposedly in the works.

Since it is Holiday shopping season, here are a few.

Four people behind a register yet only one is actually working.
Waiting for a parking spot as someone scrapes every SINGLE inch of snow off their car.
Waiting in line , when customer at register decides they " forgot" something...wait wait.

For the crime makers...

OJ, Casey Anthony,  Michael Addison ........NO GRIEVANCE FOR YOU ...END OF LINE!

As for TV viewing ....

I DON'T want my MTV......yawn, yawn.
I DO want more comedy....more good stories....enough of all the C R A P.

That's all I got for now.....but I am heading out shopping  so there may be more to add this evening. In the mean time feel free to add your grievances.

I know in the past this topic has taken on quite a heated debate. This year however I am wondering how people are dealing with the "tipping issue."

Are you tipping more , since you may feel bad for someone behind the counter working so hard?  Are you tipping less, since it is just not  "in the budget?"

As for you on the receiving end of tips are you noticing that people are being a bit more frugal?  And if it is a regular customer, have you noticed whether or not they are holding back the annual tips ?

My son was recently selling Christmas trees for his HS and he had said a few people offered him a tip, however he refused since he realizes how tough this Christmas is on most people.


So , how are you all handling tipping this season ????   In the mighty words of the morning crew ....LET IT RIP .......

Vote NO on Question #3


100% of all retired Greyhounds are adopted in Massachusetts. Greyhound racing is one of the most regulated sports in the country. The dogs are under the constant supervision of the Massachusetts State Police and licensed veterinarians.

The MSPCA (Massachusetts Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) is one of the sponsors of this Ballot initiative. The MSPCA have carte blanch in Massachusetts to investigate cruelty claims. Their law enforcement officers can and do inspect the racing kennels at both tracks at any time, on demand and without notice. Yet, NO incident of cruelty has ever been brought to or investigated by the MSPCA from either dog track. The fact is there is not cruelty to animals going on at either track. As a matter of fact, Grey2K and the MSPCA allege the crates used to house Greyhounds at racing kennels are too small and inhumane? The sizes of the crates were set with the assistance of Grey2K and the MSPCA. They are bigger than any dog crate you can find in the pet store. If you have had a chance to see the video footage on the protectdogs.org website, I hope you are aware that the dog in the video was 100% OK. 100% OK. The reason the video stops where it does is to give the viewer the assumption that the dog did not survive. That dog was 100% OK and is still a race dog.


The law requires that every racing injury, even relatively minor ones (ie, cracking a toenail), be reported to the Massachusetts Racing Commission. According to the commission’s official records, from 2000-2007, the official injury rate was far less than 1 percent (0.015 percent). I think we can agree our own children have a higher rate of injury than that! As a matter of fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the National SAFE KIDS Campaign report that more than 10 percent of children, or 120 per 1000, under 14, are hurt annually playing sports or participating in recreational activities.



It is ILLEGAL by racing regulations to put down a healthy greyhound. This is not true for any other breed of dog or animal taken in by shelters. In 2007, sadly, out of 2066, 8 Massachusetts racers were euthanized. BUT- Please be aware of how LOW this percentage is compared to every other dog breed who are brought up as pets.



Vote NO on Question #3


Question 3 is a tax increase. The state receives millions of dollars annually from the handlers at the state’s 2 dog tracks, and another $800,000 annually in real estate taxes from the tracks. This tax revenue supports schools, police, firemen and emergency responders. The Commonwealth cannot afford to amend its budget to compensate for this lack of income. The Commonwealth will simply raise taxes and fees. Can we afford that?


More than 1000 hardworking Massachusetts families will lose their livelihoods. The impact of these job losses will also threaten hundreds of businesses and their workers.


Save the Dogs & the People who Care for them!!

Rest peacefully Aunt Peg ........

 

103-year-old Margaret Maguire has watched Humarock change

---

By Kaitlin Keane The Patriot Ledger Posted Mar 29, 2008 @ 02:00 AM

---

SCITUATE —

The year Margaret Maguire turned 100, she watched the Humarock Labor Day parade roll by her Milton Street home while sitting beneath a banner that declared her “Mrs. Humarock, 100 years young.”

When neighbors and parade-goers stopped to ask her the secret to a long, full life, she told them: three ounces of sherry wine each day.

A local grocer later mentioned to her daughter, Maureen Maguire, that sales of the sherry had spiked.

Three years later, Maguire isn’t sure what she’s done right, but she feels good. She turns 103 years old on Saturday.

“You know what I think it is – I just never thought about it much,” said Maguire, perched comfortably in the living room of her one-story Humarock cottage, wearing a tiara left over from her 100th birthday.

Maguire and her husband, Frank, bought the land in 1947 and built the house as a summer getaway from their Jamaica Plain home.

After splitting her time between Scituate and Florida for many years, Maguire recently made Humarock her year-round residence.

The sleepy beach community has changed a great deal since the first years Maguire lived in the home, when there was no electricity or hot water and few homes along the beach, she said.

“We came here when there wasn’t anybody else,” said Maguire, who still spends her summer days greeting neighbors and watching her great-grandchildren scour the beaches. “They all came after we did.”

Soon the peninsula was packed with more tiny cottages and, later, more lavish homes with several stories and pricey oceanfront views. Maguire watched homes wash into the river during bad storms and has been around for three new Sea Street bridges.

Born in Roxbury and raised in Jamaica Plain, Maguire said every place she’s lived, not just Humarock, has changed a great deal.

While Maguire can no longer climb over the beach dunes at the end of Milton Street, she has no major health problems. A bout with shingles at age 99 worried doctors, and a bad fall put her in physical therapy at 102, but family members said she bounced back.

“I don’t expect to be perfect, or even half perfect,” she said. “I just don’t think about it.”

Maguire’s granddaughter, Kim Zielinski, of Marshfield, said her grandmother’s memory is equally sharp.

“She’s a book of knowledge,” said Zielinski, who still hears stories from Maguire about her grandfather, who died three decades ago. “She can remember a story, a dinner, a vacation.”

On Friday, Maguire reminisced about drinking Manhattans at the Bridgeway Inn while her children attended dances at the clubhouse.

“I think those days are gone forever,” she said.

But she’s still drinking those three ounces of sherry.

New Corporate Buzz Words :

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

..... wondering since for the most part we only know each other through our short conversations and discussions on the fox blog.......
so i am thinking what it would be like to meet each other in person and have say a round table discussion. i think it would be very fascinating to meet face to face. there is so much you can share on a blog, but to sit face to face could be a lil strange at first. especially after all the once overs, and the hmmmmm, not what i pictured. i always thought if the morning show had us come in and discuss topics from the blog it would be rather fascinating. i had always stated from the beginning that a chat with chip and graham cracker , would make for some really interesting conversation. no i am not looking for a battle royal, but i always have loved a great debate. not to mention there are quite a few other characters on the board that are very intriguing. so what do you guys think . think this would be fun or is it better to just leave well enough alone?

One another blog there was a question on why there are more parents driving kids to school. 

My question is and I am interested in seeing what the different rates to ride the bus are from town to town.

In our town it is 180.00 with a family cap of 280.00. In the town my sister lives it is  265.00 with a family cap of 485.00.

So what is any rate does your town charge ? 

at my mom and dads house. sitting on the couch waiting for the time to come when i take the girl to school. dad yells from upstairs plane had crashed into the wtc. mom puts on today show just as plane number 2 is coming into view ( i still cry even as i type this ).  i think we can all recall this exact moment.  where we were, what we felt, what was to come or not come.  as a mother immediately my thoughts go to the boy who was at school and mini me at day care.  do i go get them, do i leave them ? all i wanted to do at that moment was hug them. let them know they were safe. but i too at that moment just wanted my mom to hug me and make ME feel safe. i called both the school and the day care and both suggested it was better to leave them where they were. i still had to go into work. at the time my parents owned a seafood market and was the where i had to head to.  as i walked into work there were not to many people that had heard the news yet, i think my expression gave it away that something was terribly wrong. as the morning wore on and my thoughts still running to my children and then receiving word that 2 other planes had been taken my terrorists and the news after each crash that there could be even more, there was nothing i wanted more than to go grab my children. i couldn't believe that i was actually standing at a counter waiting for some lil ole lady come up to get her quarter pound piece of skinned haddock. lil did i know that in some small way this was a distraction that would help me through the day. and to see the true emotion of faces that i had taken for granted all those years. so many hugs and tears shared through out that morning.  i was so glad for three o'clock to finally arrive i could not get to my kids quick enough. my mom had gathered them and we all were together for the rest of the afternoon. for months after we had "family camp out" every night.  i trusted NO ONE. i looked cautiously at the pizza delivery man, the workers at the donut shop, the people on the bus, or in the city. I WAS SCARED.  but i was also proud. PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.  and over time i began to truly live by those words, and teach my kids the same.  but not for one single second will i ever forget September 11th.  i will never forget our very brave President for it is him and those very brave men and woman that i finally feel safe again. GOD BLESS AMERICA .

I just finished reading this story and I am completely sick to my stomach, This young hoodlums name should be released to the public. Why should his name be kept silent, he did this in public in front of numerous witnesses. The saddest hing is he will get a mare slap on the wrist.  This man was fishing with his grandchild, sharing a very special moment that is forever ruined by such a lowlife. If there is one thing I know for sure and that is KARMA.  The young scumbag will get his due, maybe not in court...but it will come around.  The one good thing that came out of this is that there were some very good people there that day to make sure this thug was caught. Teen Pushes Elderly Man Off Dock For A LaughFALMOUTH ? The town of Falmouth is outraged after a teen pulled a mean and dangerous prank on an elderly man fishing with his grandson.

According to police, a 14-year-old boy, whose name is not being released, ran up behind a 71-year-old man and pushed him off a dock at Megansett Beach and into the ocean Sunday afternoon. "Some kid just came running from out of nowhere, came running down the dock and just pushed him in the water," said Anthony Julian, who witnessed the attack.

The man pushed into the water had cuts on his knees from the fall and lost a pair of expensive eyeglasses. "I saw the guy... He came out... he was bleeding on his knee and he was just so shaken up. He had his inhaler, his wallet, his cell phone all in his pocket... all destroyed."

Friends of the 71-year-old say he's lucky to be alive because he can't swim.

Police said the teen showed little remorse about what he did. "He didn't seem to be too concerned about the fact that he was arrested, or concerned that he shoved this poor man into the water," said Sgt. Thomas Mountford of the Falmouth Police Department.

Good Samaritans helped catch the teen after he ran away from the dock. Julian said he jumped in a Jeep, followed the 14-year-old and called the police to tell them were he was.

The 71-year-old, who is from Worcester, was in Falmouth visiting friends.

A brain tumor is only part of Amy Hanson’s struggle 

By Steve Annear Thu Jun 05, 2008, 12:08 PM EDT

 Amy Hanson is making a collage to display at her benefit this weekend, which will raise money for her and her daughters so that they can keep their home. It’s not that Amy doesn’t have the will to work. In fact, unlike most people, she misses her job. But the debilitating brain tumor re-growing in her head has left her unable to. Sitting at her dining room table, Amy has laid out a collection of photographs, some taken from frames around the house, others from boxes of photos she has, and spread them out on a cork board. In the photos the single mother of two is smiling, her blond hair overflowing onto her shoulders. As she waves her petite hands over the board, which is consists of pictures of her two daughters, family and friends, she points out all the activities going on in each picture. “I love pictures,” said Amy as her piercing eyes scanned over the collage she was working on. “I love them because of the memories. The memories are beautiful. I think that pictures help us remember a time that you can’t recapture and I just love to look at them.” Right now, memories are all Amy has to hold onto. Her full, blonde, head of hair has been reduced to a short-cut natural brown because of surgeries, and she can no longer be as active as she was in the photos on the table. Amy was first diagnosed with a brain tumor seven years ago, but for the past four years the brain tumor had been inactive, allowing Amy to work and conduct her daily life on a somewhat normal level. Then, in November, the 36- year-old’s worst fears came true. The brain tumor was starting to grow once again. Amy went through three surgeries this time. First she underwent a biopsy, followed by the implementation of a temporary shunt in her brain, and then later, for a third surgery, it was put in permanently. A shunt is used to drain excess fluid from the brain and carry it to other parts of the body. This tube goes from the affected area of the brain, connects to a one-way-valve which sits outside the skull, but beneath the skin somewhere behind the ear. It then travels down the neck, and into the abdominal cavity. This helps slow the growth of the tumor. As bad is it may sound, it is not the worst thing that Amy has endured. “Wow, seven turbulent years. What I have endured is tremendous, a life threatening disease, divorce, financial hardship and sadness. I have one question for all of you. When is enough, enough for one person? I have paid my dues and more,” she said as she read a part of her speech that she prepared for the benefit. Seven years ago, Amy was happily married, raising her two daughters Chloe, now 9 and Abigail, 12, while working as a hairdresser at Salon Serode. She was active and athletic, taking part in adult softball and soccer teams in town and frequenting the gym. She was a gifted athlete, someone who didn’t like to waste time sitting around. Then, in an instant, everything came crumbling down. While running on her treadmill, Amy suddenly collapsed. As an athlete, she knew she hadn’t overdone it on her workout and immediately knew something was wrong. Weeks prior to her collapse, Amy had been having vision problems at work so she decided to see an ophthalmologist, who ran two hours worth of tests before telling her there was nothing wrong with her vision. The doctor suggested seeing her primary care physician. “They didn’t want to do any a tests at first, they tried to pawn it off on stress,” said Amy with a glowing and radiant smirk. “I told them I needed an MRI or a CAT scan. I knew my body, I knew something wasn’t right. I went a week later and got an MRI and there it was, a mass in my head. I got several different opinions and one doctor told me I had only so many months to live, max.” But Amy, vibrant and full of positive energy, beat the odds. However, the road to recovery had some bumps along the way. After initially going in for surgery to operate on the tumor, Amy suffered a stroke and bleeding after doctors made an incision in her head. She awoke connected to a respirator, unable to move or even speak, While Amy was physically stopped in her tracks, the tumor continued to grow. Amy remained at the hospital for a few weeks before she was moved to a rehabilitation center, where she built up her strength and slowly gained back her motor skills. When most of her strength returned, Amy then went through six weeks worth of radiation therapy, which temporarily stopped the growth of the tumor. “I had chemotherapy for about a year after that,” said Amy as she thought seven years back. “But then the tumor was stable after that.” Just when the sun looked like it was starting to shine for this bouncy, athletically framed woman, Amy found herself fighting for her daughters in a difficult divorce. Amy eventually won the custody battle. Now, after everything she has gone through, after all the hardships, Amy remains positive, but says there is only so much she can be cheerful about. “I’m going to fight this like I always have; it’s not like Amy to say that I won’t,” she said as her voice crackled with sadness. “I am going to fight with all of my might. I am so positive about everything, but there is only so much one person can take. Like I wrote in my speech when is enough, enough. But I’m definitely going to hang in and do my best.” Amy says the support of the community and from her family and friends has kept her head up high, despite the fact that the continuous growth of the tumor has left her unable to work or drive. Fundraisers, donations, people helping to pay bills have left Amy in awe of how wonderful people can be. “I watch TV. I clean,” she said with a snicker as she recited a list of reality shows she seemed embarrassed to admit to watching. “Its so frustrating that I can’t do much for myself though because I have always been so active and agile and everything has come so easy to me. It is just so frustrating.” In the past few months, doctors have told Amy that she can undergo one more operation to try and remove parts of the tumor, which is growing on the stem of her brain. The problem this time, for Amy, is that the operation could lead down one of two roads. “The risk is huge. My options are live with a debilitating brain tumor, which could eventually kill me or have surgery to remove it, which could leave me blind, deaf or even dead. I don’t see the sunlight in any of that,” she said as she paused for a moment and looked at a picture of her with her daughters last Christmas. “I’m edging towards the surgery, but I am scared,” Amy’s eyes welled up with tears as she stared blankly across the room. “I’m so scared. Dying scares me the most. Not seeing my daughters grow up. They need me. Also not finding love again, that’s important. I am a good kind person, I definitely deserve both of those things.”

What: Benefit for Amy Hanson

When: June 6 7:30 to 11:30 p.m.

 Where: Abington VFW, 30 Central St., Abington

Cost: $25 per person

I know these blogs can be used for all sorts of reasons , mostly for debating our stands on certain issues.  I am going to use it today to share a story of someone who I find truly inspirational. 

I met Amy a few years ago when my girls were cheerleading. Amy had undergone brain surgery and had battled back from that. Amy worked two jobs and spent her off time coaching basketball, soccer and cheerleading. Never once complaining, just continueing her battle. Not to mention doing all this as a single mom. She really can show you how to live in the momentt. Her smile is infectious. And her love and devotion to her girls is nothing short of what a mom truly is. Unfortunalty, the cancer has returned and Amy is facing a new battle. If there is anyone who can do this , it is Amy. Just spend five minutes with her and you will feel as if you have known her forever. This brings me to the main point of this blog. Below is the article in our local paper, they are having a fund raiser for Amy in June. I  am just hoping that maybe Amy's story can get out there and put in the right hands to help her out.  And please if you can keep Amy in your thoughts and prayers. 

~Chrissy

A neighbor in need        

Pembroke resident Amy Hanson is fighting for her life. To make matters worse, she is also fighting to keep her home.

Amy was diagnosed seven years ago with an inoperable brain tumor. Due to her recent brain surgeries, Amy has been unable to work. Although she is fighting hard to maintain her health, she is struggling to maintain her monthly bills and expenses. Despite her health issues, Amy stays committed to coaching her daughters’ soccer, basketball and cheerleading teams. Amy has two girls, ages nine and 12.

A benefit for Amy is being held Friday, June 6 at the VFW in Abington from 7:30-11:30 p.m. The evening will include a buffet, DJ and raffles. Businesses can help by making a contribution, such as a gift certificate or a product to be included as a raffle. Any contribution you can make will be greatly appreciated. Companies contributing to the benefit will be acknowledged at the event.

For contributions or donations, please make checks payable to Amy Hanson Fundraiser and mail to: Marie McCormack, 37 Lantz Ave. Whitman, MA 02382. Tickets are $25.

  

As I was grocery shopping yesterday, I spent about 20 minutes on the

 

 

paper goods isle.  The only thing I needed on the isle was good ole TP.

 

 

However, good ole TP is now overflowing (pardon the pun) with too

 

 

many types and styles.  I believe one need be a math genius to just

 

 

figure out which one gives you more bang for the buck.  I asked my girls

 

 

"when did toilet paper become so confusing ?"   Isn't this the stuff we use

 

 

once and flush it away ?  I stood there trying to decipher which one was safe

 

 

for the system, and environmental friendly yet, strong enough and of course

most economical.   I needed to 'phone a friend" just to mathematically learn

 

 

the cost analysis.  I also have to make the correct choice as if I choose the

 

 

too thick brand I am sure to be cleaning an overflowing mess left by my

 

 

youngest. And too thin, is just that too thin no need to go any further with that

 

 

one.  As I finally decide on a brand I give it a squeeze and can hear a faint,

 

 

"Please don't squeeze the Charmin."   The simpler days of TP shopping are

 

 

gone.......RIP Mr Whipple.

 

 

 

 

 

• Candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol.

• In 1659, Christmas was outlawed.

• Dueling with water pistols is illegal.

• Shooting ranges may not set up targets that resemble human beings.

• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

• At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

• An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

• All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.

• Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.

• It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

• A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.

• No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

• Tattooing and body piercing is illegal.

• Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.

• Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.

• Bullets may not be used as currency.

• Quakers and witches are banned.

• Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.

• Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.

• Public boxing matches are outlawed.

"Twenty-Five Things It Took Me Over
50 Years to Learn" by Dave Barry

 

1.       The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

 

2.       You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

 

3.       People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

 

4.       The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

 

5.       You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

6.       A penny saved is worthless.

 

7.       They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

 

8.       The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

 

9.       The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

 

10.    There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

 

11.    There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

12.    People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

 

13.    There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

 

14.    Nobody is normal.

 

15.    At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

 

o        The universe is even bigger than they thought!

 

o        There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!

 

o        Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

 

 

16.    If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

 

17.    The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

 

18.    The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

 

o        If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.

 

o        If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

 

o        If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.

 

o        If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

 

 

19.    If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

 

20.    You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

21.    A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

 

22.    No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

 

23.    When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

 

24.    Your friends love you anyway.

 

25.    Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.